It has been one of those weekends. One of those weekends where each day started out with a clean slate, and then I spent so much time sitting and wondering what I wanted to do with this or that or my life... I ended up only getting the small things accomplished. I haven't picked out a paper topic yet for Hebrew Scripture, I haven't started my Scholarly Argument worksheet for Theatre History, I haven't caught up with Mary Rowlandson for Early American Literature, I haven't started working on my lines for Oral Interpretation, and I haven't worked on a new scene for my second short story for Creative Writing. What is wrong with me?
As crazy as it seems, I'm starting to feel behind. I'm feeling like I'm just starting to get a sense of what I really want to do and who I really want to be. When I first started undergraduate school I was an education major, and then swithced to Creative Writing with the intention of going to graduate school. Then I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to graduate school due to moving around for the Marine Corps for Clark.
Now I think I really want to go to graduate school and I've realized I desperately need to start studying to take the GRE. I have visions of myself walking around looking adorable, putting books back in their rightful places, having story times with kids... I really want to be a librarian. I feel like I was questioning it because of how hard school has been, but I figured it will be less stressful with Clark actually in school and Clark working and all that jazz. Then again, a part of me doesn't want to spend another three years on another degree and then I worry about if I'll ever use it or not, and if it's worth the money we'll put into it. I'm getting out of undergrad loan free... and I wish I could keep that clean record, if you know what I mean.
I feel behind in a number of categories. I feel behind in deciding about grad school. I feel behind in having a house/ house things/ "marriage stuff." I feel behind in accomplishing goals and dreams. I feel behind with travel. I feel behind in general, let us say.
I know I've been on this self-pity trip for a while, and I'm so sorry if I am coming across whiney. I really don't mean to. I'm trying to convey this awful frustration that is constantly building up inside of me. I mean, come on... we all go through it... I just seem to be going through it a little late. Maybe that's because I got married young, or maybe it's because I'm still young and just feel old-- I don't know. The thing is I just want things to be a tiny bit clearer on my end so I don't start clouding up Clark's... if that made sense at all.
Today I got up and wandered into my writing room. Realizing, unfortunately, that I cannot make the room entirely my own, I started rearranging things so I can have the half of it exactly as I want it. Our crap-o desk, cheap-o bookshelves, and all that junk on the far end have to stay, unfortunately. There's no way we can get rid of all the stuff on and in the desk or the bookshelves, and we don't have the means to buy nice bookshelves right now. I think as I'm getting older and nearing graduation and growing morei in my marriage I start wanting more in our lives, and I know that's so wrong. I know so many people go a really long time, sometimes forever, without getting the house they want, or the things to fill their house that they want... and I just need to slow down and gain patience. Unfortunately, I've never been a very patient person.
It's like I'm Alice following the White Rabbit. Nothing seems out of the ordinary, following a rabbit in a waistcoat, but suddenly I'm thrown into an impossible and out of the ordinary experience. I'm faced with choices that truly reflect my reality, and I'm crunched to make a very important decision. Somehow, this seems so much more complicated than choosing to get married at 18 or to switch my major to Creative Writing or to drop the sorority I was once a part of. This feels more like real life, and while everyone has been dreading it around me, I was in this little bubble because Clark is my provider. When suddenly I realize he may not always be there, or the Marine Corps can change things, or what have you-- I start thinking more and more about my personal future and my need to focus on me. I want to publish something, I want to be an author... but if that doesn't happen I don't want to have done nothing. What the next best thing to an author? Maybe an editor, but that's not really my forte, unless REALITY Check Girl really takes off. I want to be around books, because I want to write books, so it seems a librarian is the best thing.
I'm faced with the decision of pinching myself to wake up, or realizing that this is it and I really need to start focusing. Ugh. Growing up is such a pain.
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