Today is one of those "blah" days. One of those days where everything I had hoped to accomplish thus far has been pushed aside due to laziness or distractions that are not nearly as important as the things I set out to do. While I have done a few things, such as laundry and helped put a coat of Poly on my desk, I have not done everything on my list. It is only 3pm, but already I am feeling sluggish and flat out tired. Perhaps it is due to a full stressful week of school, or the idea of another week to come that holds projects and such things, or perhaps it's just because everything I want to do is years away and I have nothing that seems to interest me at this very moment.
I have often been one to set a time limit to things. Such as, I have a month to finish re-reading "Peter Pan" as well as "The Lady in the Tower" I intend on reading "Gone with the Wind" over Christmas vacation, and hope in between the following month and Christmas to read at least two other books. I have until the Marine Corps Birthday Ball (mid November) to lose around five to ten pounds and tone my arms so they won't look horrid in the strapless dress I have to wear. I have until October of 2011 to completely edit a book and hopefully have it picked up by a publisher. I have until June of 2011 to find an agent for something of mine before seriously reconsidering my "career" choice. I have until October 1st of this year to pick a topic for my Hebrew Scripture paper. The list goes on, and obviously not in order.
The point is, I am very much a person to stick to lists, plans, calendars, and so forth. Some people do not work this way, but I am very much a planner. Of course, life happens and sometimes plans have to be changed, rearranged, saved for a much later date, or cancelled... but I always try to accomplish as much as possible in the time I've given myself. Perhaps, sometimes, I am too ambitious; and perhaps, sometimes, I am not ambitious enough. Lately, though, all of my "impossible" things that aren't really supposed to be impossible... have proved to truly be impossible.
I think I've realized that I tend to focus on time way too much. Today is September 18th, for example. I have two days until my anniversary, 31 days until midterms begin, 33 days until fall break officially begins, 68 days until Thanksgiving, 94 days until Clark turns 22, 98 days until Christmas... the list keeps going. With all of these count downs I have mini ones mixed in there and my head just constantly feels like it's going to explode. I'm 21 years old and I already feel like I'm running out of time to do things. Maybe this is because I got married young, maybe this is because I'm about to graduate college, or maybe it's because I feel like I have yet to do something that I am 100% proud of that I know was completely and utterly accomplished by me.
Is that selfish? I don't necessarily think it is. I think everyone wants to succeed at something in their life. Maybe I haven't gotten to that point where I'm supposed to yet... maybe it's not until much later in my life that God will give me the moment... maybe it will never come. I don't know. The point is lately I've been feeling like everything is impossible. I've been feeling like I'm never going to be published because maybe I'm not good enough... I think that's it. I think that's my biggest fear... that I'm not a good enough writer, and that everything that I'm constantly working on isn't good enough.
I know:
"Pity, party of one, please. And, cue the violin music!"
I just suppose I feel like, when I was younger, I said I was going to be published by the time I was 18. When I turned 18, I said 21. Now that I'm 21? I suppose I should shoot for 25. I know that it takes people years and years to finally get recognized, but even at my young age I feel like I'm running out of time. Is that normal?
Six Impossible Things:
1. There's a Potion that can make you shrink.
2. Cake that can make you grow.
3. Animals can talk.
4. Cats can disappear.
5. There's a place called Wonderland.
6. I can slay the Jaberwockey.
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