Saturday, August 14, 2010

Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't.



It is one of those mornings where I feel like everything is what it isn't. It is almost the third week of August, which means some students are already in school and some are about to start. Third week of August also means that we're getting closer to September, which means fall, which means all the leaves changing and temperatures dropping, sweaters, football season, midterms... and all those wonderful things that start the new season.

My bosomest friend Becca and I had some pretty wonderful conversations yesterday involving the future. It made me come to the realization that we are all truly growing up. It isn't a scary thing. I jumped ahead of the crowd and started the process early, so I'm definitely not dreading it. I suppose I'm just questioning it. Last night we were at a play and the older gentleman sitting next to us was talking to us and being wonderful (his wife as well, who was on the other side of him), and at one point he asked each of us what we wanted to do with our lives. Becca was thrilled to share that she wanted to be a lawyer, but when he asked me I stumbled. I found that I am not a fan of telling older people that I want to be a writer, because I always get a negative response. I can never tell them my major until they ask, and then I always have to add that I may go to grad school for library sciences. It's like I'm inferior because I am actually chasing what I want to do, and not just giving up and giving in to a "normal" and "realisitc" job. Why can't being a writer be normal and realistic to me? So, when the gentleman asked, I found myself telling him I didn't know; it was Becca who leaned over and told him I was going to be a writer. His response? "Oh, well good luck with that." Thank you... you're so encouraging.

I wish my world could be everything that it isn't, because then people would not think my wish to be a writer so impossible, improbable... etc. What if I actually can make this my job? Writing, I mean. What if I can publish books, make a small name for myself, gain a small following. John Grisham sold his first SELF PUBLISHED books out of the trunk of his car! The woman who wrote The Joy of Cooking self published, and now look at that cook book! There are so many other examples that I can cling to, but am I one of those exceptions? There are a small number of people that would say yes, and a large number of people that would say, "maybe," which is a polite "no way."

I have one year of school left, not even.... I have two semesters of school left before I jump in to the world full force. I'm married, so I'm already prepared in that respect, but I am basically graduating with a degree that can do nothing I really want to do. Is that ok with me? Absolutely. I've loved my college experience and wouldn't trade it for anything, and I've gained some valuable knowledge that can help me move towards becoming a published author. Maybe people are right, and maybe it is a slim to none chance, and maybe it will take much longer than I wish or imagine-- but that's ok with me. I do not intend on ever regretting my life, and I would regret not following my desire to be a writer. I will always have the opportunity to go to school, even if it isn't when everyone says I should go. But writing? I only have so many ideas that can develop... so I intend on working on those ideas until God tells me to do otherwise.

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?"

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