(Image taken from: http://spiraln.blogspot.com/ )
Let me start off by thanking those of who you said prayers and thought happy thoughts for our kitty. Coconut is safe at home, heavily medicated with a shaved bum, and returning to his normal self. Yesterday he had a successful surgery that widened his urethra, and I will spare you from sharing how that was done. Dr. McAdams showed us a diagram and all I can say is... our poor cat. He had better feel loved, though, because all the vets we saw kept saying how dedicated we are to Coconut. Apparently other pet owners would just say "it is what it is," and let the animal... pass. Can you imagine? I certainly cannot.
Now that the cat is squared away for the most part, I have returned to attempting to fill my days with personal goals and things that need to get done that are never done during the school year. While I have succeeded for the most part, I'm having blocks. Not necessarily writer's block, but a block due to having too many ideas. On top of that, I'm feeling sort of life blocked. I keep getting discouraged because I observe people from different stages of my life, and while I attempt to get reconnected with some of them and attempt to separate myself from others, I can't help but have this feeling of... well, I'm not sure what the feeling is. It almost feels like a "life block."
I don't know how to explain it. We all go through different stages of our lives, and many people don't get over a certain stage. People change, whether for the better or worse, and life goes on no matter what. I don't know how many things I just threw together, but they're all rushing at me right now. I feel like Clark and I are nearing a point in our life where it's going to be very difficult to keep up with friends, and no matter how hard we try and how well we feel we are doing-- I always feel like we're steps behind, or steps ahead, of those around us. An example? We have a few couples now who we have been hanging out with. Each of them reflect different aspects of mine and Clark's personalities, therefore every time we hang out with one or the other we almost act like different people. Some of them drink, some of them don't; some of them are really conservative, some of them aren't. The list goes on and on about what some of the are and some of them aren't, and it almost gets confusing. I think part of my problem is I'm always looking for that niche that Clark and I can fit in with other couples so we have other mutual friends, but when it ultimately comes down to it I think sometimes we're just better on our own. Is that awful?
I know blogs are not really supposed to be journals or "share your feelings" pages. They're supposed to have a purpose, something other people can connect with to get you recognized in one way or another. My sister succeeds at that tremendously with her blog titled Tiers of Joy (check it out!), and my mom does a wonderful job with hers titled Dogwood Blossoms (check it out, too!)... but I pretty much just say what comes to my mind when I'm having that itch for my fingers to strike the keys and tell the world exactly how I'm feeling. C'est la vie, I suppose. That's the kind of person/ writer I am.
I am not suffering from writer's block. I have four projects in working order and another one that I just thought of! My problem is I can't focus on just one long enough to get it to a point where it could start going somewhere. I get halfway through and then come up with a new idea which is more exciting to work on and so I drop the other one and return to it eventually. I am anxious about life. I am anxious or eager, I'm not sure which word is better, because I want to get out and do instead of plan. I want to get out and live instead of observing. I don't feel like I'm doing that. I feel like I'm following a schedule and making everyone happy and I'm just... content. The problem is I don't know exactly what is going to make me happy. I can make lists over and over again about what I want to do that I haven't done, and there are plenty of things, but I know I have time in the future to do them. The problem is I see these other couples or individuals around Clark and I going out and doing this and that and I feel like we're not doing enough. I am perfectly content staying at home with Clark and being the "old married couple" that we are, but when we see other couples out and about doing fun "young" things, we get this itch to do that.
I feel like Cory and Tapanga from Boy Meets World. Remember? There's an episode after Cory and Tapanga are married that they get in to a disagreement with Sean, Angela, and all the others because Sean. Angela, and the others are out clubbing and Cory and Tapanga are at home watching TV together or cooking or... what have you. Cory says he can go out and "boogie" like the rest of them, and decides to throw a party. He hands out flyers with balloons and things like that. Tapanga makes mini quiches and there are balloons all around their small apartment. When it comes down to it, no one shows up. Tapanga and Cory start fighting about who's cooler and who's the loser that scared all the guests away. They start throwing the food at each other, and end up on the floor cuddling and kissing and all that jazz. As they are, Sean, Angela, and the others show up with a group of people they supposedly dragged from some club. Sean opens the door, sees Tapanga and Cory, and closes it saying that they're having a party of their own and they can all return to the club.
That's how I feel. I feel like other people make me feel like I have do what all the "kids my age" are doing, when in reality Clark and I end up doing better when we're hanging out with "older" couples. I mean, just because we're 21 doesn't mean we have to go out to bars and clubs and things like that, right? So why does it make us old if we want to stay home and hang out and play board games? Yes, we are THAT lame. At the same time, I want to go out and have fun and be a "normal college student," but I have other responsibilities that they don't have. How do the ones that have to work, and really have to support themselves, manage to go out and waste money and get good grades? I just can't do it all. I'm NOT superwoman.
I want balance. Maybe that's the word I'm craving. I want to be able to go have girls' nights, want to have couples to hang out with, want to have nights at home with the hubby, want him to have times out with the guys... I want it all... and for some reason we just can't find that balance where we can work, go to school, do schoolwork, visit family, and visit friends and have everyone in their nice little "slots." I guess no one can have it all, but it'd be nice if we could just have a little bit of a normal social life. Then again, what is normal?
I know. I'm all over the place. A disaster. A cyclone of contradictions, problems, worries, stupidity... you name it. I feel like the elephant in the picture. Like one little thing, such as a mouse, can creep up and completely throw everything out of proportion. I'm just a mess.
Until next time.
We've all got our junk, and my junk is you!
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