It's been a while. I've realized that my blog doesn't have much of a pattern or a point. I read others and realize they have these amazingly witty things to share, or pointers on how to do this or that, sites where you can find the best deals and recipes, and so on. My blog really isn't the blog people are looking for, but an outreach to those who are close to me... and somewhat of a journal.
It probably isn't the best thing to be spilling my guts to whomever may roam across this page, but to me it seems that I love reading about "real" people the most. I love historical fiction and nonfiction and even fiction that follows the life of a character. All of these seem so real to me... and maybe that's what I'm trying to do with my blog... or maybe I'm just spitting out garbage as long as someone will read it. I have no idea.
This past weekend had a lot of epiphanies. Although I was surrounded by wonderful people, I found myself drifting in and out of thoughts of my life. I started thinking about where my life is right now, where I want it to be in the future, what things I can improve, what things I worry about too much, and so on. While my last blog was about not complaining, I've come to the conclusion that I am just a complaining person. I never have a good thing to say about myself, and always down my situations. Perhaps this is because I don't want to seem cocky or full of myself in any way, but shouldn't I at least have some pride as to what I've accomplished thus far? It may not be much, considering I am only twenty-one years of age, but I have done some things... and intend on doing others... which are extraordinary to me.
My epiphanies? Many involved what I want to do with the rest of my life. I know that's a road everyone looks down and wonders what will really happen, but lately as I've been looking down that road it's been near non-existent. I set my life at age 18 when I got married. No complaints about that whatsoever, but I wonder sometimes if I use that as an excuse when it comes to things I want to do, but say that I cannot.
Example?
I haven't studied abroad. Unfortunately it's a bit late for that, but a part of me would love to travel somewhere entirely on my own. I want to be put in an awkward or uncomfortable situation with people that I don't know, and have it turn in to one of the best experiences of my life. Yes, I have a husband to share these things with, but a part of me wants a piece of life-pie to myself. I think about all the things which Clark has done and still has ahead of him, through things such as mountain climbing and the Marine Corps, and I realize that as much as he wants me to be a part of everything-- he knows I cannot, or will not, always be by his side through all of his experiences. He has accepted that, as difficult as it may be, but it seems when I make plans I always have to include Clark. It's like he's now my safety net of excuses as to why I shouldn't do this and that. I use him as an excuse... how awful is that?
Clark and I talked about things this past weekend. We talked about the next five years (no joke). We talked about the Marine Corps, my "career", kids, houses, goals, things we want to do, and so on. Clark's list always seems to be endless, whereas mine seems to stop short. I want to write, I want to do mission work, I want to have kids, and I want a house. Is that it? I mean, granted many of those things are lofty goals that will take some time, but I just feel like there should be more. Clark wants to climb the seven summits, wants to scuba dive in exotic places, wants to travel the world by boat, is working to become a pilot for the Marine Corps, wants to have kids, wants to go to New Zealand.... his list goes on and on. There are so many things that have already been made possible for him from training when he was younger and training he's receiving now. Clark is not afraid to still see the possibilities within the impossibilities. Perhaps that's where we are different. I see our lives now and tell myself it's too late to perform professionally on any level. I see our lives now and tell myself I will never go to Scotland or Ireland the way I want to. I see our lives now and tell myself that, if I'm lucky, I might get a book published. I see our lives now and tell myself that maybe I can do more.
Is all this me? Is my want and desire for more truly my want and desire for more, or is it the influence of everyone around me? People with career moves and travels abroad by themselves and things like that... do they just make me want more when all I have and all I desire is more than enough?
I just don't know anymore. I told Clark I want to do something in the near future that lets me know I'm not wasting my time at college. I wanted to go to Haiti for mission work, and that wasn't allowed. I want to go for a cruise with my friend Jessica at the end of July, but more than likely that won't happen. I want kids and a family and a house... but am I focusing too much on that right now and not enough on myself? I want a book published. I want to audition for something. I want to travel somewhere on my own, or with a close friend. I want to do something adventurous. I want to bring the word of God to those who have not heard it. I want to practice my independent strength as Clark practices his. I want to live... and I don't want to regret not doing things later on.
With God, all things are possible. Through God, all things are possible.
I suppose I'll just keep going until He puts something in my path.
Until next time.
We've all got our junk, and my junk is you!
It probably isn't the best thing to be spilling my guts to whomever may roam across this page, but to me it seems that I love reading about "real" people the most. I love historical fiction and nonfiction and even fiction that follows the life of a character. All of these seem so real to me... and maybe that's what I'm trying to do with my blog... or maybe I'm just spitting out garbage as long as someone will read it. I have no idea.
This past weekend had a lot of epiphanies. Although I was surrounded by wonderful people, I found myself drifting in and out of thoughts of my life. I started thinking about where my life is right now, where I want it to be in the future, what things I can improve, what things I worry about too much, and so on. While my last blog was about not complaining, I've come to the conclusion that I am just a complaining person. I never have a good thing to say about myself, and always down my situations. Perhaps this is because I don't want to seem cocky or full of myself in any way, but shouldn't I at least have some pride as to what I've accomplished thus far? It may not be much, considering I am only twenty-one years of age, but I have done some things... and intend on doing others... which are extraordinary to me.
My epiphanies? Many involved what I want to do with the rest of my life. I know that's a road everyone looks down and wonders what will really happen, but lately as I've been looking down that road it's been near non-existent. I set my life at age 18 when I got married. No complaints about that whatsoever, but I wonder sometimes if I use that as an excuse when it comes to things I want to do, but say that I cannot.
Example?
I haven't studied abroad. Unfortunately it's a bit late for that, but a part of me would love to travel somewhere entirely on my own. I want to be put in an awkward or uncomfortable situation with people that I don't know, and have it turn in to one of the best experiences of my life. Yes, I have a husband to share these things with, but a part of me wants a piece of life-pie to myself. I think about all the things which Clark has done and still has ahead of him, through things such as mountain climbing and the Marine Corps, and I realize that as much as he wants me to be a part of everything-- he knows I cannot, or will not, always be by his side through all of his experiences. He has accepted that, as difficult as it may be, but it seems when I make plans I always have to include Clark. It's like he's now my safety net of excuses as to why I shouldn't do this and that. I use him as an excuse... how awful is that?
Clark and I talked about things this past weekend. We talked about the next five years (no joke). We talked about the Marine Corps, my "career", kids, houses, goals, things we want to do, and so on. Clark's list always seems to be endless, whereas mine seems to stop short. I want to write, I want to do mission work, I want to have kids, and I want a house. Is that it? I mean, granted many of those things are lofty goals that will take some time, but I just feel like there should be more. Clark wants to climb the seven summits, wants to scuba dive in exotic places, wants to travel the world by boat, is working to become a pilot for the Marine Corps, wants to have kids, wants to go to New Zealand.... his list goes on and on. There are so many things that have already been made possible for him from training when he was younger and training he's receiving now. Clark is not afraid to still see the possibilities within the impossibilities. Perhaps that's where we are different. I see our lives now and tell myself it's too late to perform professionally on any level. I see our lives now and tell myself I will never go to Scotland or Ireland the way I want to. I see our lives now and tell myself that, if I'm lucky, I might get a book published. I see our lives now and tell myself that maybe I can do more.
Is all this me? Is my want and desire for more truly my want and desire for more, or is it the influence of everyone around me? People with career moves and travels abroad by themselves and things like that... do they just make me want more when all I have and all I desire is more than enough?
I just don't know anymore. I told Clark I want to do something in the near future that lets me know I'm not wasting my time at college. I wanted to go to Haiti for mission work, and that wasn't allowed. I want to go for a cruise with my friend Jessica at the end of July, but more than likely that won't happen. I want kids and a family and a house... but am I focusing too much on that right now and not enough on myself? I want a book published. I want to audition for something. I want to travel somewhere on my own, or with a close friend. I want to do something adventurous. I want to bring the word of God to those who have not heard it. I want to practice my independent strength as Clark practices his. I want to live... and I don't want to regret not doing things later on.
With God, all things are possible. Through God, all things are possible.
I suppose I'll just keep going until He puts something in my path.
Until next time.
We've all got our junk, and my junk is you!
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